my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Randomize
