i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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