The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
