OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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