I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
