Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
