my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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