How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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