I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
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