can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
