i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
