i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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