You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
