i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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