is your mom at the bar?
You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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