you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
