this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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