So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Sacagawea was the original milf.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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