You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
