Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
