You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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