Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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