Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
