Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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