Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
