Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
