You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
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