if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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