Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
