So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
