Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
