The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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