I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
