If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
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