I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
