I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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