Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
