How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
