Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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