im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
