I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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