Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Randomize
