mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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