the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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