I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
