I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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