the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
