her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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