Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
