I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
